"What is your #1 goal?"

     I have always been called stubborn and I was kinda proud of it. I felt like it pushed me through a lot of tough times when I may have rather quit. Today I realized that it may be my biggest obstacle in my journey to a better life. A week ago hands down I would have said that my biggest obstacle was my back. I've spent so much time in pain that I became frustrated and jealous of anyone and everyone at the gym that did or was capable of doing what I couldn't. It sounds retarded but it drove me to push myself in ways that weren't healthy. I would push through the pain just to look tough and all it did was left me walking around like a gimp for a few days. My coach AJ asked me today a question that changed my way of thinking. It was a simple question....  

                                                     "What is your #1 goal?" 

   With one question he was able to remind me why I came to him in the first place. It wasn't to compete and it wasn't to be a body builder. It was to lose weight and be healthy....the competition just ended up being a major plus! Right now I have decided that I need to focus on me instead of the WODS and what everyone else it doing. I said before that I was grateful to ROW but it got old and of course it just left me wanting more. Even though I have good days my back is not ready to be doing things I really want to be doing. Prior to our little conversation I participated in the WOD. It was in honor of a fallen soldier and I was wanting to do my best because of that. About 5-6 minutes in my back started to really hurt, it took all I had to listen to my body, I changed things up and was able to continue. I was in pain and noticed myself taking breaks and really mentally fighting about whether I should give up. In a way I did not want to give up on a fallen soldier. I felt so useless...I did all I could not to cry. I decided I needed to stop when there was 5 minutes left and I am proud of myself. It was one of the hardest things I've done so far. I stopped before I really ended up hurting myself and I didn't completely melt down. That for me was reward enough. Because I didn't finish the WOD I decided that I would row before I left. I was tired, frustrated but my back felt ok rowing. In my heart I rowed for that fallen soldier. I was in the room by myself and decided I would row 400m 5x with a 2 minute rest in between. I can't put into words how it felt. I wasn't doing it for AJ, I wasn't doing it for my brother in law Gentry and I wasn't doing it to prove that I am someone. I did it for me and that soldier. I rowed faster than I had rowed before and with such ease. In the entire time I sat at the rower I did not feel one bit of pain. I felt like I rowed away my insecurities. I was proud of who I am and what I am doing to change my life. No matter how I feel people look at me, I am not lazy, I am not an over eater and I am somebody. That doesn't mean that this year is going to be easy...I've lived 27 years being stubborn. I will not change overnight but I feel lucky and blessed to have so many people who care about me, they don't judge me but cheer for me.