BUSTED!

     When I started this journey I thought for sure that I would be ALOT further in my journey than I am. I was determined and nothing was going to stop me but instead my frustration got the best of me and the last couple months have certainly not been my most successful but actually the exact opposite. Things piled up: I started a new job, then there was Thanksgiving, Christmas, COLD/FLU season and then of course I decided to be a big girl and move out of Casa De Parentals. As if that wasn't enough I had quit the chiropractor I was going to because I really saw no end. (more on that later)  Let the record be straight, none of that is an excuse. I am not being hard on myself but truthful. The only way I am going to meet my goals is to be honest with myself and realistic. I was frustrated with the pain I was in and the stress took over and everything else in the world became more important. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate the word failure so I have been quite upset with myself the last couple months. 
    I have slowly had to come to terms with the fact that my back is no longer an injury but a condition. It is with me and although I may feel good one day, the next day I may feel the exact opposite. It is not an easy lesson to learn and seriously brings me to tears. There is so much I want to be able to do but my body will just not allow me a this point in my life. It sounds easy and I can't begin to explain why I can't seem to keep a grasp on it but I see so many amazing athletes kicking ass and even though I know I have come a long way it makes me sad to watch people be able to do things that I can not. The insecure Brandi kicks in and I begin to feel judged and think that everyone wonders what I am even doing there. I know this is not the case but sometimes we're our own worst enemy and I know that is my biggest problem. Even though I feel like my back is my biggest set back its my insecurity that continues to bring me down. I am lucky to have been introduced to a myopractor that has so far been what I needed but unfortunately my bones are just as stubborn as I and they are easily moved which is good for him while he is adjusting me but bad for me because any wrong move that I make can result in extreme pain. Fun right?!? 
     I have so many questions and with everything I have been through in my past and especially my divorce, my #1 question is why? Why can't I catch a break? Why can't I just work out the way I want? Why must everything in my life be so damn difficult and why must there always be a lesson to learn? I know it wouldn't be worth it if it was easy but I'm not even asking for easy. I would just like for maybe someone to understand what I'm going through and how hard it is to sit and watch what you wish you could be doing. I do have an overwhelming amount of support within my crossfit family just sometimes I have blurred vision to that. I wish it weren't the case but I'm far from perfect and man oh man I have a lot to work on. 
     My goal for the next month is to not get down on myself and to be content with my current situation. I will not be able to move forward until then. I will restart paleo and stop making excuses. For goodness sakes, I started cold turkey and kept with it almost 6 months. I know I got this!! I need to believe in what my coach tells me and even if I can't work out one day, if I am strict with my diet then I will still progress....cheating just brings me down.