Up until now I have used my blog to only document the GOOD or HAPPY moments I've had the last three months but I haven't really be honest or true to myself. I don't know who I was kidding when I thought that losing half my body weight was going to be easy. I felt it would be like school....you go to class, take notes, study and take a test. Piece of cake right?!? Not so much, there is so much that I can't control that I find myself using the word "Frustrated" almost daily. I honestly hate the word and cringe when I say it now....yes I still use it and one day I will be creative and come up with something different but right now that is all I've got.
I have been overweight and unhappy all my life. I'm really good at hiding it and have always been complimented on how happy I am and what a great smile I have but on the inside I am the most inadequate person you will meet. I have terrible anxiety and the idea of meeting new people, "skinny people" can send me into a panic attack. I have stressed and struggled with ulcers since I was 17 and a junior in high school so you would think I would have done something to change it instead of waiting 10 years but quite frankly I am stubborn as hell and apparently like to take the hard road. After finishing nursing school I decided that if I could endure that then I could definitely lose weight and be skinny. News flash the idea looked a lot better in my head. I'm not trying to say that its impossible I'm just saying that I am hitting major road blocks and some days its hard to know where to go or what to do next.
When I started I was told that I needed to change my diet and honestly that was the easiest thing. I live the Paleo lifestyle and I'm happy and believe in it. I also knew that I would be working out and that excited me. I believe I've always been a skinny girl at heart because I love being active. I was ecstatic to learn that there would be ways to teach and train my body to do a real pull up at some point. I was excited to be able to run....I knew it was going to be hard but I knew that I could do it. I believed in myself, that I was strong enough and wanted it bad enough that I would do it. I'm not a quitter so I was not going to sign up for something and be a fool. I however was not prepared to hear that I have a back condition that was going to not only take up time but be physically painful. As my Dr pointed out today I am better then I was when I walked in his door 2 months ago but I am nowhere near where I want to be and it is a constant battle. I try to set goals and I feel myself fighting with my full heart and with everything that I have and I just can't seem to reach them. Some days I hear the word "GOAL" and it makes my stomach ache because I already feel like a failure. I wanted to lose 70+ pounds in 90 days and that didn't happen. I didn't even come close and no matter what I say to myself I can't seem to make myself ok with it. I wanted it so badly and I know there was more I needed to do, it was just things I was incapable of doing at the time. I struggle everyday, the question when I wake up is, "Are you in pain? If the answer is yes I will have an internal struggle about how much pain I'm in. Is it enough that i can still work out? Is it noticeable? How far can I push it before I'm out for a week because I'm hurting even worse? When I wake up and I'm not in pain, I go crazy and fit in all the exercising I can because I don't know what the next day will bring. Right now my Dr is stumped and doesn't know what to do. I am so grateful for him and his honestly and that he has my best interest at heart but that is not news you want to hear when you are in pain. I have so much respect for him in seeking a second opinion to as why my back keeps relapsing and why we can't get more than a couple good days before the next couple bad. I cried when I got the news, I cried when I called AJ and I am crying now....shocker. PS I DON'T LIKE TO CRY. If I had more time I would google how to dry my tears!!!!!
My focus almost 100% of the time is on losing this weight. I have never been a "role model", "hero" or someone that people looked up to. I was always just Brandi, the girl who most the time gets walked all over because she has no guts to say no and wanted everyone to like her. It is crazy to me that people would look up to me or that my story would help someone. I know what I am doing is difficult but for the most part I still feel a lot of anger at myself for becoming this person so why would someone think that a girl who allowed herself to get to 300+ pounds is amazing? Although I am losing this weight for me, I feel like I don't want to let anyone down. 59 pounds is a lot of weight but I promised my coach I could lose more and that I would lose more. I know failure is good because it means I tried something but I would much rather win. I am a sore LOSER and hate being a disappointment.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I really appreciate all the love and support I've received. Slowly and surely I'm starting to feel like somebody and its kinda hard when you haven't always felt that way. I promise I will NOT quit, I will see this thing through but I'm going to need to let go and be ok with the trials that are thrown my way. I don't know how or when that will happen but I will keep you posted.
1 comment:
You are aMaZiNg! Thanks for sharing! I love your updates. :)
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